Two posts in one day after no posts for a month?

One thing about me, I will always disappear when life gets really tough. One of the first things I learned in trauma therapy was to make a list of things that I have to do (like eating, sleeping, working, paying bills) and things I don't have to do (like blogging, socializing) and to focus my energy on getting to the things that need doing. So I can keep my life functioning and let the rest go till I'm better again.

The obvious downside is that it isn't fair to the people who get cut off for the time being with no explanation. Sometimes that makes it harder to return to blogging and social media, feeling like I may have upset people, let people down.

Here is a quick update on the chaos of my life.

Ronon's still here, he is still having lots of tough days but the sun and warm weather definitely helps him. He is mostly blind and no sense of smell, he can't play “throw the treats” anymore because he can't find them. You have to give the treats directly to him in his mouth, otherwise he just can't figure out where the food is via his senses. His birthday is in July.

Lion-o is doing a thousand times better since his expensive enema visit & upgrade to his diet. Look at his lovely fur.

The house situation.

At first there were many potential buyers but none were interested in kicking a family out of their home at that price lol. The home owner offered the house at a lower price in hopes to sell quicker, which made it almost affordable to me.

I asked a couple of family members that were in a position to help me, if they could help me. They said they would get back to me in a week's time.

So for a week, I was the most hopeful I have been in years. For 7 days I was on a manic high at the idea of home ownership, security for my kids and staying in a place I already loved.

Then came the news that I could not get help from my family. Truthfully, deep down I expected them to say no. But that bit of hope is just always so dangerous, the idea that maybe things have changed after all and things would be ok finally, and it's not. And never was, I was just desperate and very delusional to ask.

Then came the swift blow that my house had been sold as of yesterday. Well it’s Not my house, just the place I've poured my heart into- but never owned. The place that holds the physical memories of my kids as babies, of when my pets were in better health, when my dear aunt was still alive and all sorts of stuff I can't take with me when I go. It's the place I've lived the longest in since I left my parents as a teen. It absolutely felt like my home.

The loss of hope and the simultaneous feeling of being deserted by family again, yet it always was that way- but the hope had made it feel otherwise. I've been angry, angry at that bit of hope I had. Wished that all my life experiences of knowing better could have spared me this unnecessary depression I'm in from that stupid hopeful feeling I had.

I'm so tired.

So the countdown is on. It already was on but now there's a ticking sound in the background, getting louder, as I search for a place that I don't have to share with the landlord. If I'm going to be paying ridiculous rent prices at 2300 a month + utilities I do not want to see the landlord at all. And I need a place near a decent public school, in a place where there's less violence, decent public transit. The list doesn't sound that hard but trust me in this current rental market it's impossible to find on my budget. Oh and I need a small yard. I feel angry at the idea of making my senior sick dog have to learn apartment life after he's had his own backyard for his whole life. I feel crazy having to take my kids from a house and squish them into a small ass space and pay a thousand more for it. We had the luxury of walking to their school. Now it's a pipe dream to find an affordable place close to a school. I cry lots because what a mess this is.

Make it make sense. Kids and families should have priority to live near schools. There is a playground at my complex that doesn't get used because the kids keep losing their homes in favor of foreign investors and rich people portfolios. Fuck the hell off.

I feel all sorts of emotions these days. While I will take all my plants and my rocks, I can't take my wild rabbits or my wild birds or familiars I’ve known. They've all seen my yard as a small oasis of safety, I built a pond for them to drink and bathe from and lots of places for hiding from the sun and tonnes to eat. I feel guilty that one day soon it'll all disappear on them with no explanation. And it's safe to assume the new owner won't be doing gardening of their own, they've said as much. Most people don't garden around here. Which is why I doubled my efforts to help the local wildlife. Nature is wild, they were fine without me before. They'll be fine still. I was just a guarranteed pit stop for the bees and a safe spot for the bunnies from the hawks for a blip in time.

And that's that. I do realise I could have scheduled this second post to air at a later date but then that would be logical of me. And why would I act any different now? I'll post as erraticly as I feel. Two posts today, none for weeks, I’m wildin’.

And thank you for reading 🦇💜.