Talking about therapy. It's long.

It's going to be long and mostly unedited. I have lots of thoughts, I have been dealing with mental health and related subjects for over half my life now. It's a constant feature in my art and my daily life.

This post here, really enraged me at first.

And anytime something I see or read sets my emotions right off, I take note of it, what it was, what the emotions were that I felt when reading the thing, and I dissect it all. I want to grow to a point where things bother me less and less. I don't need to be so reactive, it's never good for the body or mind to do so.

Why did the above image enrage me? Because I feel too many people in the world have too much of a flippant attitude with therapy. Too many people are quick to dismiss it, they know all there is to know.

But when we break down why the flippant attitude exists, it's rooted in deep fear. And we find the fear comes from government lobotomy campaigns and general public fear mongering from the early 1900s regarding mental health. I mean even the Queen had siblings that were kept in a mental hospital and kept secret from the public. We find the shaming and the mental health hospital crisis that occured in the mid 1950’s and we will find too many people call themselves a therapist but actually aren't qualified. I'm looking directly at nurse practitioners, they're no more qualified to diagnose mental health than a police officer is. Neither should have the ability, but we don't prioritise mental health. We give authority figures the wrong kind of power, and they abuse it, and we have generations of people who are incredibly harmful to themselves and their families, talking about how therapy doesn't work. Because it didn't work for them. Despite not having access to proper therapy.

The right kind of therapy has to be available 24/7. Because the person isn’t always ready to accept therapy. Sometimes it takes years or decades of repeat trauma for a person to open up to changing their lives. Sometimes they really never will change. My dad is “too old to change”. His words. He feels the world has gotten too soft. I won't air the family laundry at this point, but our relationship is non existent. Why would I subject my kids to the exact same treatment from him, that made me such a messed up individual. I won't. Until that changes, things stay the same.

There was a very very small window in my dad’s life where the right therapy could have helped. Just after my mum died, my dad was open to the idea of therapy. He had been diagnosed with depression for the first time in his life, and he apologized to me and said he didn't think I was lazy anymore. He believed depression is real now that he had it.

I felt validated for the first time but equally sad, I didn't want anyone to feel how I’ve felt on a daily basis since I was a teenager. But I also hated knowing my dad always thought I was just lazy. So to have him acknowledge just once my pain, it helped.

I didn't think I needed to keep an eye on who would be my dad’s therapist. I truly figured my dad would get a good therapist.

My Dad got a nurse practitioner. Who told him he was fine, he was just sad about his wife dieing. She told him he didn't need to work on anything, he was fine, just needed some pills for a few weeks and he would be as good as before his wife died.

So that ended that small window of hope and change in his life. Dad then doubled down on the fact he is fine now, that he “beat” depression. So now he believes depression is wholly curable, and that I'm just an overthinker and it’s my own doing. My dad runs away from his unending depression, by trying to keep too busy to notice his depression. You can't talk about my mum around him, he's moved on and remarried. They redid the house, He doesn't acknowledge his dead wife publicly with his kids, it's like my mum never existed with the way he behaves. But he's cured.

Sigh

I have people in my life who have amazing fathers. One even went to therapy after his first grandchild was born, he wants to end the generational trauma in his family and wanted to know where to start to be a good grandpa and good example for his grandkids. Those stories make me cry. I'm so happy for those families, and equally sad with mine.

My family on both mum and dad’s sides have dwindled down to a handful of living members. Generations of unhealthy coping with vices, people were abused and never spoke about it, only to have schizophrenia or major depressive episodes lasting years “randomly” happen. The alcoholism runs so rampant, so do food denial issues and vicious backtalking of family. Who needs enemies when you have family like this?? All of this lleads to many of my family dieing young and the poverty cycle prevails.

I was the first to bring awareness to the mental health issues in our families. This didn't go well, both parents told me I was lazy. My mother said she would have handled it better if I said I was pregnant!!! and not that I was actually depressed and seeking treatment at the age of 21.

What is left of my extended family is one of the saddest things to happen. It’s a result of emotionally unbalanced individuals who refuse responsibility and continually choose to perpetuate the conditions that made this happen.

I digress.

Going back to the image/statement that upset me so much, another facet of why it angered me is that,

I never knew myself until my mum died. I knew myself in hiding, but I was never able to express myself fully, my mum shut everything down, she would insist no matter what I did, it would make me look fat or foolish or both, and what would people think! And that would make her look bad. I questioned EVERYTHING 100 or more times, sometimes I even wonder if I spell my name right. So even in my old age, I still question myself. If I said I like blue, mum would say no she thinks I like red actually. I said I hated pineapple birthday cake, and my mum would bake me pineapple cake for my birthday every year as a teenager. So on and so forth.

But I'm aware of other people having close relationships with respectful mothers who want them to grow and express themselves fully. They don't have to spend so much time questioning their core identity.

Maybe when one doesn't spend so much time questioning everything about their core identity and who they are, and endlessly spend time reading between the lines

Maybe they can truely know all there is to know about themselves. Maybe they had less trauma or maybe their parent(s) helped them work through their trauma.

Everyone's situation is unique. I just wish people would talk more and realise how much the little things we don't grieve, affect the bigger picture in life down the road. It's the little things that a good therapist uncovers, that you can heal from finally. And potentially grow into a better version of yourself.

But when so many people are actively saying therapy doesn't work, and by not being specific about what didn't work- we have less people getting the mental help they need.. all while simultaneously the world is feeling less safe, more people are volatile in public and everyone is looking for someone to raise a pitchfork against.