Art block after rejection! You don't say.

It's funny because I go against my own advice. One day I will honor my own advice. Earlier this year I already declared I wouldn't apply for any more art calls. That I was done with rejections. And then I saw a casting call that gave me so much hope. Similar art styles, in a square size (I love working in squares) with ample time to complete a new painting. I was sold. And everything went so smoothly, I had the best time painting and finding more about myself and my preferences. I was very sure I’d get in this time. I had done the research, made sure the gallery was a fit etc.

So when I recieved my rejection letter yesterday, I felt a bit blindsided. As we all do. We all hope to get in, and when the rejection letters come, we question our sanity. Not all do this, but I certainly do. How can I improve my application process, is the art good enough yet, etc.

That was yesterday, and today, I sit in front of my blank paper and nothing is inspiring me to draw. I think I want to paint but I feel so silly about it now. I have bills to pay and a roof to keep over my kids heads. If I keep getting closed doors on my painting journey, then maybe I should give up painting for awhile.

There's still some open doors in illustration, so maybe I'll focus on marker stuff again. Zine stuff.

My heart is sad and heavy. I'll continue with the painting I started but, it's the very least of my priorities now. I have ro prioritize paying my rent over any hearts/egotistical personal desires

A small part of me earnestly hopes that the stuff I create now, will get in next year. I currently don’t have enough pieces for a show, but, a years worth of painting will be ready for next winters art calls. We will see what happens.

Another part of me says give up on the painting stuff already. Feel the heartbreak and close that door.

It helps to write about the experiences. All the great people I admire had faced thousands of rejection letters. And kept a stubborn determination to keep trying. I've got a bit of a stubborn determination. I also have a harsh reality I can’t escape. This dream can only last for so long, before external factors prevent me from continuing.

I've got the desperation + determination +ever evolvimg skill. Now I just need timing + luck.

Big fucking sigh and then back to getting inspired and moving on from this sad point.

I achieve personal bests with my painting, and I feel so proud of them. And then I don't advance any further anywhere. So I'm left to question if I'm making poor choices or very delusional.