The Interlude

I've been sitting on this post for days, unable to finish it. I'm going through a “can’t put it into words” phase right now. I’d used up all my resources to be communicative for many months this year regarding the house scenario. Many days I wanted to lay down and give up. Then I'd realise I didn't have a choice, it's communicate & find a house, or go homeless.

So I'm in healing mode now, I talk only when I need to. And I need to talk for commissions, so all my energy is there for that. I’ve been working steadily, I just don't want to “talk” about the work I've been doing. I just want to show you and run back to painting again.

Part of healing is staying away from upsetting scenarios by any means necessary. I’m staying offline as much as possible. I’m hyper aware of the genocides worldwide, and Canada is celebrating a turkey day while committing ongoing genocide against it’s indigenous people. Just days ago, the Canadian government declared it “isn't responsible to make sure Natives have CLEAN DRINKING WATER ON THEIR RESERVES!!!!!.” I feel crazy, the governments purposely create these scenarios, force them to live in these conditions and pretend not to know why they're dieing, and continue to get away with this in 2024 and we as a people haven't found a way to stop the capitalist war tank. Everything we've been trying to do, has not worked. There's more billionaires this year than ever, there's gonna be a trillionaire! The first ever!!!(Sarcasm)

BUT THE HOMELESS POPULATION IS ALSO AT AN ALL TIME HIGH. Geeeee what's the correlation here.

I'm running on gas fumes, I'm no help to my kids or to any cause if I can't help myself. So I recognize my privilege in being able to turn off the phone and sit in nature, with no bombs over my head and clean drinking water.

The way the leaves slowly change color every fall. The view always forces me to stop in my tracks and revel in it’s beauty.

Same tree, one week later.

I finally am in a place that gets enough sunlight, so I can own a Monstera plant now! That's been the best development so far here. I’ve drawn this plant so many times, but the old place had weak light and was dry as hell. If I brought one home to the old place, it would have been certain eventual death.

This new place maintains a good temp, the sunlight is incredible, so I felt confident enough to bring this guy home.

Speaking of new additions, I also brought home a female betta fish.

The kids named her Violet. She's now in the 35 gallon tall tank with the pond guppies. They're all roughly the same size, she gets along great with everyone.

Something stirred inside of me, when I was setting her free from her cup into this tank. I guess it kicked in the savior complex.

The savior complex is a psychological construct that describes a person's need or compulsion to save others, often neglecting their own needs in the process-google search

I felt a great joy at seeing Violet thrive immediately from leaving her tiny cup to explore her new world. Suddenly I wanted to buy all the fish tanks to release all the Betta fish free from the little cups.

Because it feels like a tangible dream that I think I can have some control of. (I can't stop the genocides or house the homeless but maybe can free the Bettas? I figure I would be doing some good, I would be contributing back to the world in a small way, and I'd feel so bloody good about seeing those fish swim freely.)

But. Reality. There is no funds to do such a thing, nor to maintain that sort of thing whatsoever. Nevermind the fact that this wouldn't put an end to the abuse of Betta fish worldwide. There would still be people buying and selling them in the tiniest tanks they can build. I digress.

I recognized quickly that I need a lot of healing if I’m feeling this way. I can observe the random feelings I get and I let them go. I’ll just enjoy giving Violet the best possible life I can, and I recognize that's the most I can do right now.

As things settle into place, I feel a little more like myself. Still very much in survival mode, but I can see peace on the horizon. Just gotta get there. I gave myself some bangs, and this is the first time this year I don't look like I'm on the verge of tears. So I'll share this selfie. The golden hour at dusk was very kind to me that day.