Grieving portrait & artist guilt
In reflection, as I work on another pet memorial commission. I’ve worked on a lot of these over my lifetime. When someone I personally know suffers a pet death, I want to help somehow and I think memorial art as a reminder of your pet, helps.
Recently, I get more people reaching out to ask if I can do something for someone they know who just had a pet die. I cry a lot with making these, wether I knew them or not, pets are just full of unconditional love and support and life's unfair.
This current commission, hits close to home. I knew Hank, he was a dachshund who came into his parents life around the same time my pupper came into mine. My chihuahua, Ronon, is an old man at 15, and I’m always aware how life spares no one.
It actually inspired me to start painting a picture of my dog. Here’s the artist guilt coming in, I haven’t done any pictures of Ronon. I have sketched him over the years, and taken a million photos, but, never drew him and I don’t know why, and I do feel real bad. So I’m alleviating my guilt a little, by working on something fun and lively for him while he’s still with me. I hate even thinking like this, he could live another 7 years! May I make him many paintings in this time now that I’m aware.
The long winter and the constant threat of death, and people and pets dying, isn’t good for the brain. I am taking more rest, I am not forcing myself to complete things. This time last year I was pushing ahead at all costs to be a “successful” artist. This year, I’m watching, working slowly, and being mindful. Other life priorities, the kids need whole bed upgrades etc, I need to focus on them, on making money and not spending it on things like renting booths and entrance fees…. and try again next year for entering art shows.
You’re thinking “But wait, it’s only March?”
Yes, but in the freelancer/gallery world, by now all the spaces are filled up or filling up for all the shows to come over the next 11 months. I applied to a couple, got a possible show but the res didn’t work out. I didn’t finalize a plan for a mural around town in time, so I’ll try again next year.
And here we are, about 6 hours into the painting.
“I smell Burgers”
Ronon goes apeshit for cheeseburgers. He's been getting a cheeseburger from McDonald's for 15 years of his life now. We make our own burgers too, and each and every time this gremlin’s eyes go WIDE and nose up in the air to get a whiff of his favorite smell. Doesn't matter from where, he likes his burgers.
Still a ways to go.with the painting, but it's making more sense as it rounds out. I used a phone paint program to make some mental notes, by way of making marks with the paint tool on my photo. This reminds me of the things I plan to fix tomorrow when I get back to painting this. I'm going to outline the burgers with black for a pop art punch. Going to add blue on Ronins neck, his white fur is incredibly white, the blue tones are perfect.
I feel a lot better. I'm no longer telling myself to do the thing, I'm doing it. It's almost complete. And I took a photo of him with the beginning of the portrait, just like I will do with the finished version.
This is because what if something happened before I finished the painting.
Imy mum died on mother's Day ten years ago. Before I got to give her something I made her. And I've forever felt weird about missing a chance to give her that thing.
So to compensate, I do weird shit, just in case. Sigh.
See, I was still in my -not an artist anymore- state of mind when I adopted Ronon. I only started art again almost ten years into his life. SO ITS NOT LIKE I WENT 15 YEARS, it's really only been five years and it’s taken awhile to get good at painting fur. I’ve grown as a person, changing the should have, into, done that. This journal entry was hard. I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense.
