The art that broke me

Pretty dramatic title I guess. But it’s the only way to describe the aftermath of events, and how my art has been since that illustration.

I am always striving to better my abilities in illustration. 2020 was full of lockdowns and covid fears, and I somehow created some of my best work. I had been drawing consistently for years then, and felt confident enough to show off my abilities to land a paid gig. I made getting on a comic cover a top priority that year. I decided to make my most detailed piece yet. It would feature 8 transformers, two scenes, and my peak art abilities. The flood of confidence I felt in myself at the time. I was sure I had what it took to make my dream come true.

Working hard is an understatement. I became obsessed with being good enough. During that time I made so many expectations of this piece. So when the final art was done, and I posted it to social media…it fell kind of flat. Absolutely underperformed.

No matter what I did, I couldn’t generate much attention for this piece and I became so grumpy. There was a merchandising contest running in August of that year. I entered my art in there as a last resort. Surely SOMEONE will see it’s good, and I’ll have my work on official merchandise and or land a professional comic cover.

I didn’t win the contest, & no job offers came.

Maybe it wasn’t that good? Maybe I misread my abilities. Maybe, I was blinded by my wants and didn’t see what it was I made. I put this artwork away in a box and didn’t think on it again for a few years.

Oh the endless self doubt and negativity just steamrolled their way through my conciousness.

I vowed to never work that hard on art again.

In the weeks following, the art that got the jobs was the very opposite of what I do. The art that gets sold, that goes viral, that gets the comic covers, is unlined, it is heavily stylized. It is INCREDIBLY SIMPLIFIED.

My art is heavily lined. And semi realistic and over-done.

And so now it’s 2022. And I haven’t created anything with that much heart in it since.

That’s why this piece broke me.

I don’t feel too connected to any one piece anymore. I am re-evaluating everything, while I simplify my art and reconsider my choices.

It’s a confusing time. I don’t know which way to go, I just continue to make my stickers and zines and take on commissions to pay the bills. I’m not happy but I’m not unhappy. I’m just lost. All artists get lost from time to time.

I re-evaluated my career choices too. I’m not good at socializing online. There is a very significant portion of socializing required to get your page in higher ranks, so your art may be seen by the big guns. THAT’S NOT FOR ME. I want to just post my art and have that speak for itself.

So maybe comics isn’t for me. I don’t have the social battery required for the other half of it. Maintaining social media accounts bloody sucks if we’re honest.